Dear Fanfiction Writers
by KBerry
Summary: Letters to fanfiction writers from some very irritated, upset, and in some cases murderous DSS/CDF characters who have read or heard of some of the fics on here... WARNING: Spoilers throughout the series, and Steve Leonard. Need I say more?
1. A message from moi

**Hi! This has been done before, but I wanted to do one of my own :)**

**These notes from the characters don't in any way show my views on fics. Some of the ones I mention are the ones I like the most, it's just how they, the poor people actually in the stories, react!**

**Hope you enjoy, **

**KBerry x**


	2. Sincerely, Darren

Dear Fanfiction writers,

I don't really know where to start. There's just so much...right. Firstly, let's make one thing ABSOLUTELY clear:

I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH STEVE!

Seriously? STEVE? You sick, sick people! He was my best friend as a kid, not my secret love interest! The fact that we were kids is even WORSE than those fics where years later Steve, the revenge driven, evil, insane vampaneze Lord returns and confesses his undying love for me. DARREN. I mean, the funny fics were OK, but some of the ones in the M section...not that I've looked in the M section. Or read any of them. I've just... heard they're pretty disturbing.

Secondly, I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH MR CREPSLEY EITHER! I needed THERAPY after I discovered those fics! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! And I'm also not in love with Evra! Just STOP IT.

And lastly, most importantly_...please_ stop turning me into a girl. The worst thing is that most of the time it's so I can be paired with some of the people I've listed above. Other times it's just for your amusement. I'm not a girl, stop making me one! The other Princes are bullying me about it, Debbie won't even go near me any more because it 'feels too weird' and Mr Crepsley and Vancha laughed whenever they saw me for FIVE STRAIGHT WEEKS!

So please, please stop doing this, because I've been through enough.

Sincerely,

Darren Shan

P.S. How come there are practically no romances about me and-sorry, Debbie and_ I_? I know a lot of you hate her for some reason, but think of me...pleeeaase? No? FINE!


	3. Sincerely, Steve

LISTEN LOSERS!

I'm sick and tired of all the crap you're writing about me, so I'm writing this letter to warn you to stop or I will hunt you down and KILL YOU. Well, I say I'll kill you, I'll make Gannen or some dumb, needy idiot like R.V do it. I mean, you're annoying, but not so important that I'll let you take up valuable Darren/Crepsley hunting time.

So here's a list of exactly what you're doing wrong and how you'll be punished if you ever do it again:

.Stop writing fics about me falling in love with some random OC who's really pretty and tough blah blah blah. I'm Steve Leonard, I don't need love! And who wants to be tied down with one girlfriend? Anyway, if I see any more of these, I will tie you to a giant love heart balloon, let you-still tied tightly to the balloon-float high into the air, then dress vampets up as Cupid and get them to shoot you down from the sky using arrows.

.My name is STEVE. It's not short for Steven, it's just Steve. Don't make me kill you write my name out in your blood, because I'll do it.

.I wasn't in love with Annie Shan! She's Darren's sister, therefore I absolutely hate her, just because she's related to him. I only needed her as part of my plans, so unless you want your head chopped off I strongly suggest you stop making out that I loved her!

.You should all be very, very worried. You need to get it into your thick skulls that I want to rip Darren limb from limb, tear his eyes out, set him on fire and watch him burn! I DON'T LOVE HIM! I'M NOT PISSED OFF BECAUSE HE LEFT ME I'M PISSED OFF BECAUSE HE STOLE THE LIFE I WANTED AND LEFT ME TO LIVE OUT MY SHORT, CRAPPY LIFE AS A HUMAN! And while I've got your attention, I hate Crepsley just as much and don't love him either! IT MAKES NO SENSE AND IS JUST GROSS ON SOOOOO MANY LEVELS! Anyone who has done one of these fics is now on my hit list!

.And...I don't miss my dad. Not at all. I mean, sometimes I thought it might be nice if he...if he thought I was worth staying for, but you know. I hated my mum, but my dad could just...if he didn't want me it's his loss. So stop making out I'm really sad about it. Because I'm not...at all.

ANYWAY you get the picture. Don't write stupid fics that piss me off and I won't kill you.

Hatefully,

The awesome, amazing, not evil, Vampaneze Lord.

P.S. God, I hate you all. Every single one of you. Except my fangirls, I like them. I don't _need_ any love though, I just like being adored. Got that? Good. Now someone write a fic about how I kill Darren and Creepy in a brutally awesome way.


End file.
